Adios

Thank you :)

There are some skills I haven't learned yet to get my new job title but thanks to you all I'm getting closer, this has been the best project yet. I don't know how to get things started but it started in a way I like, I didn't even know it was a project. I got curious about a funny word I knew nothing about, pushed a button and found a toy to play with. When I figured out how it worked I got to turn it into a puppet show. I love puppet shows, I get to talk and play and use voices and no one is looking at me. This was my favorite kind of puppet show, there were no puppets made so I got to make my own. Making puppets is fun, I get to do something I want. The kind of toy determined the kind of puppet and became one that advanced my pet project and my thinking in ways I couldn't imagine. I got to write my own story and it taught me things I needed. I had friends that sat with me while I worked it and helped along the way. It was a project that didn't end abruptly in a nightmare and I get the chance to try an ending I like.

Namaste

Jen

I don't quite know what it is about her, no matter her mood, no matter mine, I'm always glad to be near her. She does things that would usually irritate me but when she does them they don't, part of me always feels peaceful. She is interesting and that always helps but there's more, caring seems part of her joy and it always shows.

Blogging

I blog for an audience, I blog for comments. An audience helps me write, comments help my writing. I blog for me.

Why do you blog?

I've been thinking about that a lot, everyone has their own reasons for blogging and many people have posted their reasons, the few I've read have always been fascinating.

If you don't blog, why not?

When I'm thinking about something interesting I keep thinking about it until I run out of new ways of looking at it.

What makes you stop and read a blog?

Frankly, most blogs I've seen are a nightmare, background music you can't shut off, garish color schemes, poor layouts, poor font choices, a cacophony of distractions. I have no idea what those blogs are about, I can't read them. If they're easy on the eyes and ears then I can find out if they're interesting.

What types of blogs do you like to read?

Another frank admission, I rarely visit some of the blogs on my blogroll because of their setup, I find them very interesting but they're very hard to read.

All comments would be greatly appreciated.

Nasty

I was extremely nasty when I quit. Here is the resignation letter I sent (the names have been changed to protect):

Subject: Hey Carlotta from Rev

You were the best boss I had at Fast-n-Eat but I found something else I can do to pay for gas and cigarettes :) Next week, if you need me I can work until 11ish a few days.

Adios :)

Rev

Here's a little something I wrote about work my work experiences in general.

At the bottom I included my piece called Work.

I called her house and left a message on the answering machine that it would be a good idea that she called before she went in to work and made up next week's schedule. Her girlfriend called back, I asked for Carlotta's email address and said I needed to send Carlotta something she needed to read before she went to work. I sent the email yesterday, Carlotta gets back from her 5 day company cruise to the Caribbean tonight.

Ex Boss

I dont know how to deal with my ex
I know how to deal with my boss
I made my ex my boss

Akumu Weekend

When they're together the things that set me off, the same things that set him off, go on all the time.

Work

I hate my job but I hate not working worse and finding one is a nightmare. I'm lazy but work is a great distraction, something to fill the long hours of endless, random thought. Doing the job is not enough, if it's boring the thoughts continue while I'm working but most work is boring. To keep from being bored I strive for perfection to stay interested enough to get through the day, then I'm labeled a kiss-ass company man and people get resentful or use me. If I make things around me fun people like working with me and the resentment goes away, then people want me to be a boss. If I become a boss they keep piling on petty shit until I crack. I keep telling myself I won't become a boss but I get so sick of all the bullshit I try anyway. Next time I say no I won't stop.

SMAK

The acronym of a Fast-n-Eat customer service rule. The rest of the crew got a kick out of it when I said, "In English SMAK is." and made a kissing sound, a couple looked puzzled so I bent over and did it. Now when I get called up to see a customer they all blow me kisses and if I did a good job, when it's over I get a real one.

S Means figure out what the customer's problem is. I like solving probelms so I always do.

M Means fix the problem. They paid for it, they have a right to get what they paid for, I go the extra mile by making sure it really is fixed.

A Means apologize. I always do because I feel bad when we screw up and incovenience them.

For a long time that was the end of the acroynm so there was nothing to joke about, even when I did those things the customers sometimes went away upset, I don't like that, it makes us look bad. Then one day we had a meeting, they added a new letter to the SMA acronym, K. I refused, it was the stupidest idea yet and Fast-n-Eat has had a lot of stupid ideas. Everyone feels the same way, few do it and it never works. Fast-n-Eat doesn't let go of their lame ideas easily, they started enforcing it. I decided I wouldn't do it sarcastically so it sounded like an insult or like I really didn't give a damn, I made it sound like I meant it. The first person I said it to gave me an odd look, the second smiled and the third apologized for being a pain in the ass. The fourth person was the problem of the day. I knew it the minute they walked in the door, angry, bag in one hand, half-eaten Flyer Burger in the other. The bag hit the counter and the rant began. I did the first three letters perfectly and added a free Zilth Pie with a "I'm sorry for the inconvenience." The food was taken and the rant continued, I knew there would be no kiss after this one. Finally when the threats and curses ended I tried the K with a smile in my voice, "Thank You!" and added, "Come again!" like I meant it. The customer's, "Thanks, I will." got me the sweetest kiss ever.

She's Baaack

She drags me into hell and leaves me there to find my way out, her way of getting my attention. She was merciful this time and let me have a guide but the trip wasn't pleasant. The stench of brimstone still burns in my nostrils as I write.

Namaste

Namaste literally means "I humbly bow to you," from the Sanskrit: Namas: "to bow, obeisance, reverential salutation", and Te: "to you". It is commonly accompanied by a slight bow made with the hands pressed together, palms touching, in front of the chest.

In a religious context this word can be taken to mean any of these:

The Spirit in me meets the same Spirit in you
I salute the divine in you
I bring together my body and soul, focusing my divine potential, and bow to the same potential within you.
In other words, it recognizes the equality of all, and pays honor to the sacredness of all.

Wikipedia

Namaste, H. Thanks for being there.

Joke

If I found a joke that made them laugh a lot I found different ways to retell it to keep them laughing until it wasn't funny anymore. They'd retell it over and over their favorite way all the time until they were they only ones that laughed, when they kept telling it and laughing I found differnt ways to retell it to stop them from laughing. The thing was, I kept telling new jokes.

Eyes

There are only two ways I can talk to people, one on one or an audience. I prefer an audience most of the time, it's less intense, less uncomfortable. When I speak to an audience I don't have to look at anyone unless I want to, there are ways of giving the appearance of making eye contact from a distance without really doing it. One to one is another easy way to avoid eye contact, things can be done to make it seem like you're not avoiding their eyes for awhile but the effort is difficult and eventually it happens, the trick is to get away before it does.

When I was very young, I was extremely restless and got into trouble all the time, it was my dad's job to lecture me. As I stared into his eyes I would feel myself getting smaller and smaller until I could drown in their fathomless blue. Even though I knew there would be nothing of me left I couldn't look away, part of me wanted to go. I always could say something to get him mad enough to spank me, it was the better alternative.

Beep

Beep... hit the snooze until awake enough to shave... make sure uniform is clean enough... drink second cup of coffee and check the nets... pace 30 minutes... pee, pace 15 mintues... get dressed and pee... check pockets... keys, card, cigs... hat on head, nametag on, check weather, get Fast-n-Eat sweater, check if nametag is on... light cig... drive to work... do paperwork... get everyone started on food prep... do paperwork... check everyone's work to make sure it's done the company way, surprise inspection coming.... smoke cig... put on headset, turn on lights, open doors...

Beep... The first customer... right hand up to hit mic button... "Hi how are you?" let go... right hand over ordering buttons... "Fine. How are you?"... right hand up to button... "Great. Go ahead when you're ready." right hand to keys... "What's on a Fargon Melt?" mutter... "Shit." hand up... "Farn, lext and dejsauce, forn and cheese." "I'll take two." 3 buttons... "Can I get that with sour cream?" 3 buttons... "A glllgg." "Could you repeat that?" "A ..." "I'm sorry, the headset cut out, would you repeat that please?" "A medium diet." left hand grabs cup, right hand starts ice... something hard to hear over ice comes on headset... ice done start drink... right hand to mic... "A Flyer Burger?" "3" brief pause... repeat back order... "Right." "12 creds at the first window, thank you."

15 minutes of beeps, only the orders and the attitudes change mixed with a variety of muttered curses, the only pause comes when they browse the menu or the line is backed up because the line is stuck on a 5 person order with considerable modifications to the standard menu offering.

"A bega and a..." "Rev." "a de..." "Rev, customer." shit... "I'm sorry, one moment please." "Yes?" "Customer." Finger point to front counter... look around store... counter order taker is busy... no one else speaks standard... "I'm sorry, it'll be just a moment." walk to front counter... "Hi! May I help you?" "They didn't put enough cheese on." "I'm sorry, I'll get you a side of cheese." "I want it remade." "Sure thing, that'll be just a moment." Throw the item away... walk up to beginning of food line, "Fargon Melt extra cheese."... wait until it's prepared... walk back to customer... "Here you go. Thank you." "I'm sorry would you repeat your order please?" rapid angry stream of words over headset on the walk back to fly-thru "That was a..." repeat back order... "I said a gobat!" "I'm sorry, will that be all?" "Yes." "14 creds at the first window."

3 hours of beeps, peppered with interruptions, directions to the crew and brief inspection glances... "Rev, no more fries." "Why?" "Mala lazy." "Mala, fries!" "Rev, customer." "Do you have gift certificates?" "Rev..."

Check dining room business... slow... "Derk... clean line." "I'm sorry would you repeat that?" punch in order... "Thank you!" "Fern, fry." "Hi how are you?" "Donita, seeya." Take order, make drinks, turn, change drawers with Donita, "Hi 11 creds." take money, make change, hand back, "Sauce?" get sauce, napkins, utensils, straws... put in bag, grab drink... hand bag and drink, grab two drinks and hand out, "Thank you!" turn from window... "Menard, prep." Beep... turn to screen and spot customer still at window... "Hi one moment please." step to window... "Can I help you?" "Do you have gift certificates?" "I'm sorry, not until closer to Festival." "Does any Fast-n-Eats?" "I'm sorry." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Sorry for the wait, go ahead with your order."

30 minutes... paperwork mixed with customer service... directing the crew mixed with customer service... look to see if there's a fat guy sitting in the store, might be the inspector... making sure everything is done right with service.... 30 minutes left... 15 minutes... 10... 5... No replacement yet... 5 minutes... 15... 30... replacement arrives... Beep... they clock in.... Beep... they go into office and log on... Beep..., read notes, make a phone call... Beep... find a hat, put on a flythru jacket, check schedule, check deployment, count food items, verify safe... Beep... "Thank you! second window." Beep... headset handoff...

Red Letter Day

My boss Z is very excited about news from Denver and asked me to post a link. Perhaps you'll be as excited as he is...

Talk

The incessant talking is getting on my nerves, the sound of my voice is driving me up a wall. The Snail patiently tunes out most of it but I can't, my jaw aches and so does my head. I grit my teeth trying to stop then the words scream inside my head until I let them out. Sometimes I'm interesting but after awhile the good ideas are gone or my mind is too scattered to formulate any so I end up boring myself to death. Then I want to scream as loud as I can to drown the flood of words out. If I could only hold on to a thread of thought long enough to advance my projects I'd be done with all the books in my head and working on some new ones, instead I talk and wish I was screaming. - 7:36pm

One night when I lived alone I was so sick of talking to myself I picked up the phone. No one in town wanted to talk to me anymore so I went long distance. Old friends from my early church days, relatives all over the country, I kept 411 busy. Damn, I was going to write more but it's all gone now. Maybe this time I can go longer without talking. Oh, I remember now, it was the talking that got me into the hospital. At one point I knew I couldn't live alone any longer, I didn't cook... handling food creeps me out, I didn't go out... I'm still afraid of cars, I couldn't eat pizza... there was no other delivery in the area and no one would come over. I had one friend left, he was physically disabled and poor but he had his own house. I asked him if I could stay with him for awhile, told him I wasn't well enough to cook but had money to pay for food and cable tv. He agreed and I put the few belongings I had in my car and went to his house. I gave him $300 and the keys to my car, he ordered cable that morning. After supper ended and my talking still hadn't stopped he said I had to leave, I didn't blame him. The only place I had left to go after that was the hospital, I knew I could get in, the mad cow disease I thought I had would see to that. - 8:34pm

Damned If You Do...

...damned if you don't.

After what I went through without bipolar meds I've decided to find a way to take them no matter the cost. They can be very expensive but the real cost is in what they can do to you. Thanks, Henry for steering me to Crazy Meds, a great site for information on psychiatric medicines. They say that "Nobody on this site is a doctor, therapist, or a pharmacist." but I think they may be more knowledgeable than most psychs in many ways because they actually use the stuff. Their anecdotal evidence makes it a lot easier to understand what to expect, For example, "As for our experience with it, Geodon eliminated Mouse's short-term memory. The real short-term memory of the previous seven seconds. She couldn't remember what she had said, what she had put in her pocket, anything like that. Plus it made her manic as hell, and mania is a fairly common thing to watch out for amongst the bipolar, most likely due to the serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibition. She was living in a fantasy world of a multimillion-dollar lawsuit against Pfizer over Geodon, and spent the money she would be winning. Anecdotal evidence is piling up that Geodon can aggravate, or even induce mania in bipolar, especially when combined with an antidepressant or the more antidepressing of the mood stabilizers like lithium or Lamictal, so use with caution in bipolar where mania is a problem." That sticks with me a lot more than a long list of side effects, I read those, too but there are usually so many that I can't remember them.

During the scheduled 6 minute visit with my psych all he told me was that Geodon, which I'm taking now, has fewer side-effects. What he didn't tell me is this, "Its side effect profile is pretty low and it's generally weight neutral. Reads like a winner, right? Well, if you really want to play it safe you should get an EKG before taking Geodon, because there's a nice sudden death warning for prolonged QT intervals. We don't know what the hell a QT interval is, as that's cardiac language. All we do know is that Geodon can mess with your heart and if you have a history of heart troubles, Geodon may not be for you. This is where you'd need your cardiologist and psychiatrist talking to each other..." I found that heart risk warning at several sites, including Pfizer.com, the makers of Geodon. When I read that I was extremely angry at my doctor for leaving that out (I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't know, after all, I doubt the drug salesgeeks point that out) and then I started getting scared. I see my doc in two months and by then I hope to have enough money to move to something that isn't going to kill me but in the meantime I'm going to keep taking it, I prefer death over the alternative.