Akumu

A nightmare of screaming voices.
"Demon!"
"Bitch!"
Slamming door.
"Sit with me, I'm feeling suicidal."
Overturned tables, broken chair, shattered glass.
"Go back to bed, I don't want you around."
"I blame you."
Slamming door.
"He has to get out."
"I think he's mentally ill."
"If he's mentally ill he should be institutionalized."
A nightmare that never ends.

The Infinite

(c) Boddhi

The Angry Snail

The Snail was born angry. As I watched him scream at the doctors in the delivery room I thought he didn't seem too happy to be here, looking back, he had good reason to feel that way. My sickness and the divorce with all its ugliness did a lot of damage to him, our sicknesses are doing the rest. The Snail believes in God, it's a big reason why he's so angry. While he struggles with his own bipolar hell he sees his future in me and has little hope. It angers him to believe God designed him, planned his life out before he was ever born, intended his trouble. Many times the Snail says he didn't ask to be born, maybe that's why he was so angry that first day, maybe if he had been given the choice he would have refused.

Awake

I've been awake more the last couple days but I wish it wasn't the case, sleep was so much better. I can cope with the feeling of failure and worthlessness, the hopelessness, but I have this sense of impending doom that I can't shake, something terribly bad is about to happen.

Asleep

I get up, go to work four hours and sleep. I wake up, eat and go back to sleep. I've been up less than an hour and I'm ready for bed again.

Sleep

I slept most of the last two days away and now I feel like everything has drained out of my head. All the ideas I've been working on, the stories I'm in the middle of, the things I want to do seem beyond my reach.

Colorado - Escape

"Get out, bum!" Winter was drawing near, a warm place to sleep was a critical search. Backs of cars, an abandoned gas station and, that night, an apartment stairwell. I resented her kicking me out, I wasn't hurting anyone, and thought about it all the way to my spot. By that time her words had worked their way so deeply into my fevered thoughts all I could think of was, "Get out". I had to leave, find somewhere warm, somewhere to start over, it was the first rational thought in months but I had no idea what to do with it. I couldn't walk anywhere warm enough before it started snowing and I wasn't going to hitch, the last time had been too scary. There were people that would just as soon get rid of me than look at me and when my ride kept fingering his gun I decided that was it. I didn't know any place in town to go, I had no more friends and the only area where they took in bums was over run with army, I'd heard stories of what some of them did to people like me. My thoughts got stuck on those stories and I'd forgotten about getting out until I looked up and saw an army recruiting poster. I stared trying to figure out why a poster was reading my thoughts then, like a faint whisper, I remembered, "Get out". It rang in my head as I stood up and followed me into the recruiting station, it echoed back in his eyes.

His look awoke an awareness and I looked at myself, I almost left but other forgotten things were waking, too, "I can take a test." He shoved pen and paper at me and stared at the door, bored, but when he graded it he was all smiles and pamphlets. It was almost done but then I started thinking about the hospital, after all it was military, maybe they'd find out, "I've taken acid." I said. He didn't seem to care, I explained, "They had to put me in an Air Force hospital." "You'll need two letters of recommendation.", it wasn't a problem to him but it was a huge one to me.

I went back to the spot and tried to figure who in that town would give me a letter, the darkness was returning to my mind when one name shone out. The only teacher in that town I'd liked, the only one that got my interest and showed me any respect, my creative writing teacher. She never judged my topics, only how I presented them, she laughed at my How to Shoplift paper and my critique of a weed growing book was one of the best she'd seen. She questioned my choice of words, not me. I looked up and started to think that maybe there was a way out when a car stopped in front me. "Get in.", I heard and was about to run when something made me peek inside. He could be a hard-ass when he wanted to but he was my favorite uncle, I got in. He looked mad but I saw the worry in his eyes, "What the hell's wrong with you?" I didn't know, "What do you mean?" "You look like shit and you smell worse." he said, "Your mom called, they got a letter from the bank that your car was repoed. They're pretty worried." I didn't know what to say, "They want you to stay with them for awhile." he explained. I looked back at the army poster, "Ok.", I felt like I'd escaped more than the winter.

ChzBurgerDog

ChzBurgerDog... the new promotion at Fast-n-Eat. I could give you a detailed description, we have to memorize it, but at work we call it Turd on a Bun. It doesn't taste as bad as it looks, they make us eat everything before we lie about how good something is to a customer. If you hide it in sauce you can pretend something else is going into your mouth but some people eat them plain and that still makes me feel a little sick.

Simple Choice

The dark visitor is back and I had to choose. I could stay up and wait for the inevitable blow-up or go to bed and listen to the voices. I went to bed. Two days before her advent the slide into depression begins, the day before the anxiety starts and when she gets here I'm a wreck. The negativity she brings with her is bad enough but the stress is incredible. It's not so bad while the Snail is still asleep, I can put up with the criticism and complaints but when he gets up the waiting begins. What will they say or do to set each other off? Assuredly something minor... The shouting and potential for violence threaten my sanity, the tears and apologies only make it worse. She's a sweet person, she tries her best to help us but when she's here I just want her to leave.

Colorado - Gathering Clouds

Growing up was turmoil, a house full of sick and troubled people and something within me I didn't understand. One moment I was restless and happy, too happy, then sad, paralyzed by dark thoughts. The slightest offenses provoked violent rages, every aspect of my life was spinning out of control. For a time I could run to the rocks for solace but even their quiet strength couldn't hold back the growing darkness for long.

For a year I lay on the couch and stared into the void, then I found drugs. Life was still pointless to me but it didn't matter, I was no longer a participant. Every day was a search for money to get high, a search for something to get high on and then the escape. Weed was the foundation, the eye-opener, the night-cap and everything in between but the structure was an amalgam of whatever drugs were available. I had favorites I always looked for but I wasn't particular, I'd do anything as long as it took me away

I couldn't hide what I was doing for long, being strapped to a hospital bed made it very clear.When the family was aware hiding became a pretense. Incense was the explanation for the smell coming from my room but they knew, I didn't care and they didn't know what to do about it. They asked me to quit or leave, I did neither, I moved the drugs to my car and drove until I could no longer stay awake. I'd crawl into bed and dream of sand, when I awoke I'd drive around for another day. The job my father got me just made things worse, the carpool only stopped smoking weed long enough to go into the liquor store. When we got to work we looked for every opportunity to light a joint and there were plenty to be found. Lunch was usually another smoky trip to the liquor store and the ride home was a discussion of where to party later

Four years of drugs was the limit, in the fifth year my mind broke.. By then my family was gone, a move I wasn't invited on, I didn't care, I was working and could rent my own place. My mind had grown strange from the drugs and the thing I didn't understand, I was silent and scary looking. My clothes were dirty, my uniforms unwashed and my car had the stench of hell, I probably did, too. I was beyond not caring, it was if I'd forgotten how. The simplest tasks became complex, the effort to do them herculean. My thinking was confused, randomness gone wild, flying thoughts seen and quickly forgotten. When the job ended, the car and apartment were gone and no one would give me a job I wandered away and got lost. I rarely knew where I was even though I went there every day, always searching for food, sleeping when and where I could, I was slowly dying from neglect.

Watchers

The voices come from the watchers, the ones responsible. When I hear their mocking tones I think my life is a hallucination, smoke and mirrors set up by them. They watch me struggle through their maze and laugh, my troubles amuse them but the big joke waits at the end.

Old School

Last night the Snail had the computer, he's been using it a lot more lately since he found some people on the chat lines... he's into role-playing chats. I have a handheld my sis gave me but eventually my eyes get too tired to read the little screen. I was going nuts yesterday, antsy to write but with no computer to do it on then I hit on a radical idea... pen and paper! I can't believe it never occured to me before.

Three Hours

It's not how long I slept yesterday, it was actually less than that. The three hours is wht I told my boss at Fast-n-Eat I could work for a while, the 7-8 hour days were too much. I was falling asleep during the lunch rush again and finally my boss let me go home.

Two Hours

Took a two hour nap, what a huge waste of time... I feel worse now than I did before I went to sleep. Hopefully the fog will clear and I can write today.

On the up side, we have a new Author at Alpha Zed, some of you may be familiar with his work.

Damn Word Thing

Well, I decided to turn on the word verification thing again, freakin spammers. I didn't mind having to delete a bunch off new posts but now they're hiding them all over the place and it's become enough of a hassle. Idiots, they should know about comment emails... what's the point?

I really didn't want to do it, when I get manic it's hard to figure out the letters and then type them in right, takes a few tries. Still, maybe that's a good thing after my last outburst.

Voices

After fighting off sleep as long as possible I no longer am able to keep my eyes open, it is time for bed. Darkness surrounds me and terror steals over me, the watchers are coming. They speak in mocking tones, laughing at my fear and the disaster I seem to be approaching. They watch and wait for it, whispering among themselves in anticipation, when I fall they'll be satisfied.

Trapped

I'm getting sicker and sicker, the mind takes it out on my body and so I'm a physically ill as well. My boss at the Fast-n-Eat, though seeming to understand, still needs me at work today. I've got to leave that place, it's only making things worse. The Snail is still mired in depression and hasn't even gone looking for a job, of course, being asleep all day doesn't help. One good thing about his depression, at least he doesn't yell at me like he does when he's manic. I see my psych next week and I have to tell him everything that's been happening, I'm a little afraid of what he's going to do... hospital, or worse, a group home comes to mind.

Overload

My restless mind continually seeks occupation until I have so many things going on I don't know what to do. Added to all the writing I want to do my boss asked me to administer his blog. What can I do, he's not one to say no to. Actually, it's kind of fun, the blog Software WordPress has a lot of features and plugins to mess with. He was pretty vague about what he wanted done, "Set me up something." he said and that was it. I decided to make it an open blog, anyone with an email address can register and post. If you're a newbie, it's a place to start without a lot of bother, if you've been around the blog scene for a while consider it another identity.

There are only two ways of telling the complete truth--anonymously and posthumously.
Thomas Sowell

Sucking Up

My boss started his own blog so I thought I'd make some points with him and post a link: Alpha Zed

Indiana - Stray

My first memory of Indiana is visiting my uncle's church when my father was stationed in Illinois. Age is forgotten but I was young and it was the greatest place to be. While the adults muttered and danced around we played in the huge farm yard. They had the best tire swing I've ever seen and we played on it for hours, there were animals all over the place and huge fields of growing corn to hide in. We played for days and then it was time to go, it took forever to happen and it was over in a second. As the adults drew out their goodbyes I went into the barn to play for a while and discovered a litter of kittens whose mother was trampled by a pig. When I told the adults about it I found out the cat had been some wild stray that wandered on to the farm and that the kittens would probably die. I wanted them, I asked but I was told no. "Why?" I asked and was told they'll always be half wild, they wouldn't make good pets. That made them even more appealing so I began my appeals. I could only win their hearts enough to take one of them. We took the kitten home to Colorado, he was a great pet, one that fit my mood perfectly. We didn't like people fussing around us much, we found solitude in each other. I would read and he would do whatever he wanted, when I would look up for a little company he was always there as if he needed it right then, too. We'd spend a little time together then go about our ways, content.

I loved to read, science fiction was my favorite. I read two or three at a time, posting them around the house so one would always be nearby. When I returned to Indiana those many years ago, that kind of reading ended. In those days entertainment was considered ungodly, worldly, a waste of time, so I quit reading rather than put up with the consequences. Questioning and calls, lectures for days and increased reading assignments, particularly about discipline. I never told him that I took speed reading and only skimmed his books, I had things to say about them during discussion time and that was enough. I'd been to his home countless times but one day I noticed my aunt's book collection and among them were many classics, some of the titles were familiar to me and I borrowed one. I don't remember the first but I kept reading classics for years, a new haven.

My wife didn't like me reading, it wasn't godly enough, I should be studying and praying, I should be a man of God. Finally I got sick of it, packed up my collection of books and took them to my aunt, when she asked why I was giving them to her I said, "I'm tired of them." Mornings of prayer then work, evenings of college then bible study were taking its toll, I was tired of books and everything else. The days were dark and the nights were darker still until it all exploded into a storm. The gale swept everything away and when I was left with nothing I returned to my first friends, books. As I read alone in my apartment I realized that I had found freedom once again, that the storm made way for new growth. I knew I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, only what had been expedient, it was time to find who I wanted to be, who I was.

Hibernation

The technical beast went to sleep, the game is on hiatus. I lost interest, not in the game, I got tired of programming. Most programming is tedious, a lot of repetition, cutting and pasting, renaming things, looking things up. Coming up with the ideas and figuring out how to implement them are exciting but that's only twenty percent of the job, the other eighty is boring as hell. The little beast hasn't left my thoughts, though, I have a few things I'm trying to figure out and from time to time I worry at them.

Indiana - The Dojo

His specialty was young men, they were more responsive to his disciplines, and his purpose was to build ministers. The few years he spent in the military had prepared him for his calling and those ways were going to prepare us for ours. The call came before six, "You coming?" and we gathered at the church to pray and memorize scripture until it was time to go to work. After work we met to discuss our last reading assignment and get a new one. During supper the next call came, "Are you prepared?" and duties for the church service that night would be given out. An hour to get ready then meet at the church for an hour of prayer, an hour of worship, an hour of preaching and an hour of fellowship, by then it was time for bed. Three services a week, Sunday school, prayer meeting, men's meetings and fellowship meetings, missing one would get a call, "Where were you?" We strayed from the path, were untrue to our calling, the calling that had come from God, it may have been a man asking the question but we knew it was God who was listening for the answer.

We submitted, we wanted to be leaders so we followed.

Indiana - The Call

"You're a Ronin." I didn't know what that was, he'd been a missionary in Japan and his conversation was peppered with Eastern references. I took a bite of my eggs and looked around the little diner, I knew he was expecting me to ask what he meant but I didn't, I really didn't care, I wasn't on the best terms with him. "You're a man without a master." he went on, the crux of the matter, my freedom galled him. I didn't realize at the time that he'd taken it upon himself to master me. "You can stay here on three conditions." I wasn't planning on staying, I was going back to school to be a preacher, but when he said that I knew I wasn't leaving.

It began in a small town in Texas, a man had a vision, a revelation that ministry was a calling, not a profession. The word spread and the called flocked to his little church, my uncle among them, men who believed God had a higher purpose for them, a special anointing. The word of God as their guide, they trained themselves to lead the sheep and went out to start churches. Formal education was unnecessary, the Bible had the answers for everything if you knew how to look. Bible study was the foundation of their churches and it appealed to many disaffected church-goers who were unused to hearing Bible-centered teaching. Little home Bible studies led by men with a vision popped up all over the nation where they searched the scriptures to see what God had to say about things. What they found they tried to practice, living lives of sacrifice, trusting God to meet their needs. God commanded the crows to bring one of his prophets food when he was starving, God would do the same for them. God heals, so they didn't go to doctors, God empowers, so they healed one another, and that had its draw, too. Laying on of hands, speaking in tongues, visions and prophecies are heady stuff, many sought it out. Miracles were for now, God was alive and so were they. They sang, they danced, they raised their hands in sheer joy and that was the most intoxicating thing of all.

It wasn't my uncle's words that kept me in that Indiana farm town, I had no use for a master, it was the vision, it was the power, but mostly it was the joy.

Android Dreams

What do androids dream about? What are their visions?

Indiana

Nineteen, burnt out on drugs and booze, living in stairways, I figured it was time for a change. As I sat on a curb at the mall, the curb I always sat on, I felt overwhelmed by the hole I'd dug myself into. I looked up from the ground I'd been staring at and saw a sign, a beacon for the hopeless, "Army". They were glad to take me until they found out about the hospital, the acid trip that almost took my mind, and told me I would need two letters of recommendation. They might as well have said no and I made my way back to the curb, wondering what to do next. I don't know how long I'd been sitting there seeking an answer when the answer found me, an uncle with word my parents were looking for me. They were in Germany and I was in Colorado but news got back to them and they extended their help.

I found love in Germany. The love of family, the love of a girl and the unselfish love of a caring couple. Tom and Connie had a heart for kids, they ran the chapel youth group at the base where my father worked. They took us everywhere, gave all their free time to us and cared about our lives, when they talked I listened, when they talked it was about God. As I listened to them I thought, "If this is what Christians are about, this is something I can accept."

She was eighteen and still in school, I was twenty and had nothing to do so I got a job at her school to be near her. I liked kids and they liked me so I became a teacher's assistant and at the end of the year I thought I should be a teacher.

I learned two things that first year in Baptist college, I really didn't like kids and how to study the Bible, at the end of the year I believed I should be a preacher.

It was summer, I needed a job and a place to stay and my brother-in-law could get me a job in the factory where he worked so I took a train to Indiana, for the summer, 30 years ago this summer.

Chrysalis

What changes negatives into positives? What turns loss into greater gain? What makes a destroyer a healer?

Blogger

What the hell is Blogger? I found it the same way I found Google. Words fascinate me so if one catches my attention it gets activated. Blogger is great, even the idiosynrasies... something else to think about... because it's easy. But mostly blogging is great because it's a fascinating community where even a loner can find a place to fit in and enjoy people. I'm not much of a talker, the written word is my outlet and this is a good place for me to share words with others. My link list has a collection of my favorite blogs, each has its fascination. When I think of family these days I think of those I share with here, we say what we want but there is a lot of caring. Blogger, thanks for a good neighborhood and a little family.

At Last

The Blogger demon has been exorcised for the time being and I can move on to other things. Not sure what yet but you can breath a sigh of relief, I'm done prohesyin and preachin... for now. When you can't find a demon fighter you gotta do what you gotta do.

Damn... all that work to get on and now I have nothing to say, couldn't hold onto the the ideas I had.

Ever feel peaceful? What makes you feel that way? What gives you peace? Before battle my character can only think of peace. He finds it in his art but is that enough? What about the times when our art hides from us, is it always wretchedness?

Twice

Damn! Two apologies on the same day, in the same night, right in a row.... For those who do comment, I'm sorry for the verification crap... Dumbass spammers. At least they could be a little more inventive... Have I ever talked about penis enlargement? ...of course maybe if I did I'd get a few more comments...

Apology

For those of you who waded through my preachin so I could make my prophetin point in the previous post I heartily apologize but when the call comes it comes and there ain't a whole lot I can do about it. It's awful hard to resist someone who understands me as well as he does, he knows just when to push.

Seventh Day

God has an excellent work ethic... he works six days a week. But when he takes the day off, it's a very long day. "And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made." It's still Sunday for God and he's sitting around watching his works play out, kind of like the Sunday game on tv. Time means something very different to God, it's just another creation of his, something he did on the first day of work. Here's my big question though, if that was God's example, a six day work week, and it only takes an hour to write a sermon and another hour to deliver it, what do his messengers on Earth do the rest of the time?

A Blogger Miracle

I was depressed all morning, bored all afternoon and restless all evening, but finding me awake and unoccupied late at night made my muse happy. I picked up an old short story I was writing and worked on it for an hour or so then hit Save as Draft... and Blogger asked me to sign in... even though I signed in to work on the story. So I signed in... again... and what I wrote tonight was gone. Expletives flew and my heart sank. I hit the back button on my browser, hoping... maybe it would be there... Page Expired... so I hit back again and got the post when I first opened it an hour before. More Expletives and I was starting to get pissed, which isn't the best thing for me in my current state of mind, so then I hit forward in some hopeless attempt and got Page Expired again... then I hit back again and... Miracle... everything reappeared. My hand trembled over the mouse button but when I clicked on Save as Draft, it saved as draft. Scared my muse off, though, I'm still wide awake and in danger of getting bored. I'm calling to her... ahhh... I hear her steps...

All We Like Sheep

"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all."

A message of hope, the sheep are forgiven for straying, a scapegoat was found. What turned the sheep away? "But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep." Wolves scatter the sheep, hirelings let it happen, if the sheep had their own shepherd it never would have happened.

Sheep need to be led, shown where good, safe feeding is, they are made to follow. When the sheep aren't watched they stray and are easy prey to wolves. "Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." The world is full of wolves and if we're not smart, don't look out for ourselves, we're going to be scattered. But we're still sheep, it's what we were designed to be, and so we still have to remain true to our natures, simple, innocent, easily led. How does that happen? "the sheep follow him: for they know his voice." By learning to listen to the right voices and by being intelligent enough not to take everything at face value, by learning to figure things out for ourselves.

Organization

It took me less than 5 minutes to get my first list of verses then I spent another 5 mintues chewing them over, after that I took a nap and when I woke up I had an idea I wanted to pursue. This particular phrase got me to thinking, "Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves ". I wondered, Why sheep, why does God want his people to be like sheep?" In order to answer that I needed to know what the Bible had to say about sheep, what it means to be one. I went to Strong's Concordance and looked up sheep and found this, "any four footed, tame animal accustomed to graze", I also looked it up in the dictionary and found this, "A person regarded as timid, weak, or submissive. One who is easily swayed or led." Next I went to BibleGateway.com and searched on sheep and found these verses:

John 10:12
But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.

John 10:4
And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice.

Ezekiel 34:12
As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered; so will I seek out my sheep, and will deliver them out of all places where they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day.

Jeremiah 23:1
Woe be unto the pastors that destroy and scatter the sheep of my pasture! saith the LORD.

Psalm 44:22
Yea, for thy sake are we killed all the day long; we are counted as sheep for the slaughter.

Matthew 10:16
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves

Matthew 9:36
But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd.

Isaiah 53:6
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.

Psalm 95:7
For he is our God; and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand. To day if ye will hear his voice

Psalm 100:3
Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Matthew 25:32
And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:

John 21:16
He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep.

Matthew 7:15
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

These weren't all the references to sheep, it took a little picking and choosing to come up with the ones that seemed significant to my questions. I read them over and didn't come up with anything right away so I goofed off for a while.

After a short break I read my verses over again and weeded out the ones that were repetitious or didn't help answer my questions until my list looked like this:

John 10:12
But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.

John 10:4
And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice.

Matthew 10:16
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves

Matthew 9:36
But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd.

Isaiah 53:6
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.

Psalm 100:3
Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

John 21:16
He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep.

Matthew 7:15
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

I re-read my selected verses and took another break, when I came back I was ready to start sorting. I read through my list again and started putting them together in a sort of order.

Psalm 100:3
Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Matthew 9:36
But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd.

John 21:16
He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep.

John 10:4
And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice.

Matthew 10:16
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.

John 10:12
But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.

Isaiah 53:6
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.

I also looked up a couple of words in Strong's:

Wise - prudent, i.e. mindful of one's interests

Serpent - With the ancients, the serpent was an emblem of cunning and wisdom. The serpent who deceived Eve was regarded by the Jews as the devil.

Harmless - Of the mind, without a mixture of evil, free from guile, innocent, simple

That's it. The sermon is basically done. I won't explain exactly why I picked those verses and put them in that order, I'll let you discover why in my last post in this series, the finished sermon, "All We Like Sheep." Once you found your list, it's all a matter of personality, all a matter of what you're looking for or what you want to say. The Bible can say anything about anything if you put the verses in the right order, getting them to listen is where you come in. I was never that great of a preacher, my sermons weren't usually memorable but, then, of the countless sermons I heard I remember only bits and pieces of less than a handful. This series is last minute, get you by stuff, or good starter material for those just getting into the preaching game, if you want to be great, that takes effort, style and talent.

Meditation

I knew nothing about meditation, wasn't inclined to research it and it sounded like a lot of work. Then I heard someone give a talk about a method of meditation and it turned out I'd been doing it all along. You ever see a cow chewing the cud? Once I saw a giraffe do it. It chewed on it for a time then swallowed, I watched the cud travel down its neck like an elevator. A few moments later the giraffe gave a little hiccup and the elevator went back up to its mouth and it started chewing again.

Why is this important? What does it have to do with meditation? When you find a topic and do a few minutes of research hopefully you'll find a few intriguing verses and some interesting words. Chew on them for a while. Read them, think about what’s being said, search on ideas that pop into your head. Getting a little tired, hungry, bored? Swallow the cud. Take a break, let the inner self, the subconscious, take over while you do other things. When you're rested, hiccup, when you chew on your idea this time it's going to taste different. The mind kept working on it while you were goofing off, you came back with your sermon closer to being done.

That's basically it, chew, swallow, hiccup until your idea has built itself into about a dozen or so interesting verses and a good word or two.

The next post will discuss what to do with your dozen verses, how to turn them into a sermon.

Topics

The hardest part of developing a sermon is coming up with a topic and that can be very easy. Some people draw on their experiences for topics but I was rarely that kind of preacher. Questions are good topics. What do you wonder about? What do you ask why about? Find a word or phrase that sums your question up then type it into a bible search engine and see what comes up. For example, I was wondering what a wolf symbolizes in the Bible so I went to BibleGateway.com, typed in wolf and found this:

1. Genesis 49:27 Benjamin shall ravin as a wolf: in the morning he shall devour the prey, and at night he shall divide the spoil.Genesis 49:26-28 (in Context) Genesis 49 (Whole Chapter)


2. Isaiah 11:6 The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.Isaiah 11:5-7 (in Context) Isaiah 11 (Whole Chapter)


3. Isaiah 65:25 The wolf and the lamb shall feed together, and the lion shall eat straw like the bullock: and dust shall be the serpent's meat. They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain, saith the LORD.Isaiah 65:24-26 (in Context) Isaiah 65 (Whole Chapter)


4. Jeremiah 5:6 Wherefore a lion out of the forest shall slay them, and a wolf of the evenings shall spoil them, a leopard shall watch over their cities: every one that goeth out thence shall be torn in pieces: because their transgressions are many, and their backslidings are increased.Jeremiah 5:5-7 (in Context) Jeremiah 5 (Whole Chapter)


5. John 10:12 But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.John 10:11-13 (in Context) John 10 (Whole Chapter)

Next, I went to Strong's Concordance, looked up wolf and found:

Mat 7:15 Beware 1161 4337 of 575 false prophets 5578, which 3748 come 2064 to 4314 you 5209 in 1722 sheep's 4263 clothing 1742, but 1161 inwardly 2081 they are 1526 ravening 727 wolves 3074.

Mat 10:16 Behold 2400 , I 1473 send 649 0 you 5209 forth 649 as 5613 sheep 4263 in 1722 the midst 3319 of wolves 3074: be ye 1096 therefore 3767 wise 5429 as 5613 serpents 3789, and 2532 harmless 185 as 5613 doves 4058.

Luk 10:3 Go your ways 5217 : behold 2400 , I 1473 send 649 0 you 5209 forth 649 as 5613 lambs 704 among 1722 3319 wolves 3074.

Jhn 10:12 But 1161 he that is 5607 an hireling 3411, and 2532 not 3756 the shepherd 4166, whose 3739 own 2398 the sheep 4263 are 1526 not 3756, seeth 2334 the wolf 3074 coming 2064 , and 2532 leaveth 863 the sheep 4263, and 2532 fleeth 5343 : and 2532 the wolf 3074 catcheth 726 them 846, and 2532 scattereth 4650 the sheep 4263.

Act 20:29 For 1063 I 1473 know 1492 this 5124, that 3754 after 3326 my 3450 departing 867 shall grievous 926 wolves 3074 enter in 1525 among 1519 you 5209, not 3361 sparing 5339 the flock 4168.

Strong’s actually found more references than the search engine. If you’re wondering what those numbers are, they tie to the Greek and Hebrew lexicons attached to Strong’s where I found these meanings of the word from the Greek:

1) a wolf
2) metaphor of cruel, greedy, rapacious, destructive men

Out of questions? Not in a wondering mood? Or maybe just pressed for time and need an idea. Open a Bible, find a word and do a search on it. A good idea rarely takes more than two or three tries.

Next comes the most important part of sermon development, meditation, which will be discussed in a post by itself.