Colorado - Gathering Clouds

Growing up was turmoil, a house full of sick and troubled people and something within me I didn't understand. One moment I was restless and happy, too happy, then sad, paralyzed by dark thoughts. The slightest offenses provoked violent rages, every aspect of my life was spinning out of control. For a time I could run to the rocks for solace but even their quiet strength couldn't hold back the growing darkness for long.

For a year I lay on the couch and stared into the void, then I found drugs. Life was still pointless to me but it didn't matter, I was no longer a participant. Every day was a search for money to get high, a search for something to get high on and then the escape. Weed was the foundation, the eye-opener, the night-cap and everything in between but the structure was an amalgam of whatever drugs were available. I had favorites I always looked for but I wasn't particular, I'd do anything as long as it took me away

I couldn't hide what I was doing for long, being strapped to a hospital bed made it very clear.When the family was aware hiding became a pretense. Incense was the explanation for the smell coming from my room but they knew, I didn't care and they didn't know what to do about it. They asked me to quit or leave, I did neither, I moved the drugs to my car and drove until I could no longer stay awake. I'd crawl into bed and dream of sand, when I awoke I'd drive around for another day. The job my father got me just made things worse, the carpool only stopped smoking weed long enough to go into the liquor store. When we got to work we looked for every opportunity to light a joint and there were plenty to be found. Lunch was usually another smoky trip to the liquor store and the ride home was a discussion of where to party later

Four years of drugs was the limit, in the fifth year my mind broke.. By then my family was gone, a move I wasn't invited on, I didn't care, I was working and could rent my own place. My mind had grown strange from the drugs and the thing I didn't understand, I was silent and scary looking. My clothes were dirty, my uniforms unwashed and my car had the stench of hell, I probably did, too. I was beyond not caring, it was if I'd forgotten how. The simplest tasks became complex, the effort to do them herculean. My thinking was confused, randomness gone wild, flying thoughts seen and quickly forgotten. When the job ended, the car and apartment were gone and no one would give me a job I wandered away and got lost. I rarely knew where I was even though I went there every day, always searching for food, sleeping when and where I could, I was slowly dying from neglect.