Guardians

Paintr : i was in jail in a full manic cycle once
Henry : whoa
Paintr : it was pretty bizarre but i was left alone
Paintr : i had the feeling i was being guarded by some of the people in there because i was wacko
Henry : I guess that's cool
Paintr : i was extremely ill physically at the time, puking.. dehydrated.. had to be taken to the jail hosp where i was chained to the bed by a leg and an arm
Henry : oh man
Paintr : if id held on for another hour i would have been out of there
Paintr : all for a bounced check... $87

IM conversation posted with permission of all parties

Have you ever felt guarded? Why do we feel that way? Do you feel like a guard? Why?

Down But Not Out

Where does chance end and destiny begin? Is there destiny or, should I ask, is there chance? My newest conceptual stuggle...

I gave up on the beta software, it was a buggy nightmare that was just not interesting enough for me to tolerate. Still, it wasn't a waste of time, I learned some important concepts that will be of help in my quest and met a very interesting person. I've been reading Henry's blog for a while now and today I got to put the face to the words. Thanks a lot for your help and the great conversation as I waited for my muse. She came as I hoped and I've been writing about things I can't grasp.

Up and Down

Working with this software has been a bipolar ride. Victory and defeat changing places incessantly. Got through the worst part of the learning curve only to wrestle with the Beta release development software I'm using. It looks like its going to be petty good when its done, in the meantime, though, I've had to redo me project at least 6 times today when the software crashed and couldn't recover from its errors. I'm flooding Microsoft with error reports, hope they improve it soon. I'd go to some standarized version but this is very easy to use if it would work.

Frustration

After nearly a week of using this new Visual Basic software I haven’t been able to figure out even the simplest tasks. Granted, I know nothing about Visual Basic but the software was touted to be easy to use, even for beginners. I maybe be a beginner to VB but I know how to program and I can’t see why it has to be so complicated trying to read a file. I’m about ready to throw in the towel but there’s this stubborn part of me that refuses to be beaten by a damn piece of software. It is a beta version and the documentation is incomplete so I can’t fault Microsoft… yet. If I give up on this I’m not sure what to do next, I’m determined to get the game written and I’m not ready to go back to the weak little thing I started yet. Back at it… just had to come up for air while I’m scanning my computer for adware. Seems all of a sudden the fonts in Internet Explorer are all screwed up, they’re so tiny I can’t read what little documentation Microsoft does have. I’m hoping the adware scan will get rid of the problem… like everything else in my life I’ve neglected to do it for a while and my computer is choking on all the crap people dump into it.  That’s a whole nother rant that has been ranted by a million internet users… Scan’s done, time for more frustration.

Woo Hoo

Minor victory! After struggling to figure Visual Basic out the last four days I finally got a program to work!! I suppose I would have gotten further if I had slowed down at the beginning and taken the time to figure things out, instead I just jumped right in and tried to write a program. 4 times I had to start over before I finally I got things figured out. Relief... maybe now I can get some sleep.

Thrown

I have a way of throwing myself into new things, I think I like the feeling of being overwhelmed. The challenge of something new drives me beyond myself to learn its ways. My aunt said I love pursuit over attainment.  To master a thing doesn't appeal to me, it becomes tedious after a while and I start looking for something new. There is only one thing I pursue that I want to master, writing. Conversely, there is one area where new is anathema to me, I don't do well around people I'm not familiar with. It's one of the odd reasons why I still work at the Fast-n-Eat, I know the people I work with. It seems paradoxical since I have to deal with strangers all day, but then they are customers and, in a way, are objectified. They're pieces of the Fast-n-Eat game that are manipulated like anything else there. Food is prepared and served, customers are serviced. Not by choice, customer service became one of those rare things I think I have mastered. Of course, it's not that hard... be friendly even when you feel like crap and don't get pissed no matter what dumbass you have to deal with. Geez, what a ramble...

Weak

What was a personal challenge has become part of a vision. I've grown dissatisfied with the game, as limited a programmer as I am the programming language I've been using is even more limited. I've decided to start over again with a better language so I can do all the things I want to do. All the Snail and his friends talk about is getting into game development so my newest challenge is to start something for them and myself. We'll see if I can get them interested in a more powerful beast.

Spawn

The negativity is gone for another two weeks and the house is at peace again. I finished the section I was working on and am ready to face the next challenge. What sets the course of a person's life? Destiny? Chance? Choice? I continually wrestle with the question of destiny, in my writing and in my mind. I was raised to believe our lives were predestined but most of my mind rejects that concept, still, that small question remains, "What if?" Small question but powerful enough to spawn religions and sciences, war and peace.


Thanks for the help!

Gods, Heroes, and Myth: Native American Mythology: Animal Symbols

Wyldkat's Pagan Place: Animal Guides: Animal Symbology

Sand Art by Richard Hickok

Sphinx


Treasure Hunters


Mermaid

Night

Been up all night arguing philosophy with Joel and the Snail. I should be in bed but it's one of those kind of nights. Is there such a thing as absolute right and absolute wrong?

Dark Visitor

Darkness has descended on the house, peace is gone while it's awake, while it sleeps I write, it will probably be my only chance while it remains.

Demands

She was extremely kind and let me write all morning. I didn't get as far as I wanted but I'm happy with the progress. The symbology in this section is difficult and I set my expectations too high, I wanted to complete it today but coming up with animal symbolism and then creating a vision is demanding. I don't know how much further I can get today, the house is making its demads, too. I groan about it but it won't take long, getting motivated to start is the problem. I'm sure I'll put it off as long as possible.

New Stuff

Blogger now has a Microsoft Word add-on, I like messing with new things so I decided to make this blog to test it out.    

It let me post a new document  but it didn’t pass on the font color I used in MS Word. I’ve retrieved the document I posted into Word and it retrieved a different font size than what I sent originally from Word, probably my template font size. Now I’m going to send a font type different from my template type and see what happens.    

Blogger has a problem with the post retrieval part of the program. It posts what you send, except font color, but when you retrieve the post the font sizes get messed up in some random sort of way. The first paragraph was changed from 11pt to 8pt but in the second paragraph only the words Font Type were changed to 8 pt.

Ok… I see the problem, the add-on allows you to see the html code it generates and instead of using the actual font sizes in points that I used in Word it used percentages of whatever the default font size is. My template default font size is 10pt, the add-on generated a 78% of default in the html code so it changed my font size to 8pt for those parts of the paragraph that I changed the font sizes on.    

Symbolism

Been thinking of animal symbology for the book and it got me to wondering. If you were to choose an animal that symbolized who you are, what would it be?

Pity

She took pity on my travail and granted me the words I've been seeking. A sentence became a paragraph and the vision for future ones. Ideas are beginning to bear fruit, I just might get this book done before the year is out.

Meds

Got yelled at by the Snail today because I haven't been taking my meds. My thinking is, What's the use? When I run out, that's it, I can't get anymore. I took them anyway, I was starting to get pretty bad... days without sleep then more days when all I could do is sleep. I feel a lot better today, actually slept through the night and woke rested... it's been a while.

Near and Far

Spent all day with the beast, I would rather be writing but my muse is not letting herself be found. I'm getting so close to the culmination of things, I can't stand her absence.

One Gone

The Snail quit Fast-n-Eat. Part of me is happy for his release but now it seems the burden of going there is that much heavier. When we were imprisoned together we had a common enemy, someone to complain to, now I have to bear it alone. Still, now that he's gone I feel free to leave, too.

Vision

Where there is no vision, the people perish

I've been thinking of vision for my book and began to wonder what visions people have for their lives. What keeps people going no matter how bleak things look or tough they get?

The Beast

I was quite a druggie in high school and my parents never could figure out what to do with me. One of their attempts involved taking a computer programming course with my dad. I don't remember why I agreed, boredom, curiosity, but I did well then forgot all about it.

When I was twenty-one I wound up in Indiana, a story or so for another time, with no idea what I was doing or where I was going. It was time for college and I didn't know what I could do, what I wanted or what I liked. When it came time to decide I remembered that course with my dad and figured why not. Why not became twenty years and when it suddenly ended I breathed a long sigh of relief.

I love what programming can do but I hate the process. It's a painstaking cycle of program, test and debug that can consume the mind. We talk of little else, think of little but and dream solutions in our sleep. The stereotype is accurate, anal-retentive, mysogynistic insomniacs, but I'm not sure if people like that are drawn to programming or they are transformed by what they do.

A program is a beast-child, conception and birth are exciting but it soon becomes a dependent thing demanding constant, sleepless care. Eventually it can grow to be the powerhouse it was destined to be but getting it there is a journey of small joys and constant sorrows.

After twenty years I thought the job was over, a thing for younger people, but here I am nursing another little beast. I hate it, I love it, because this one is mine.

Evolution

Evolution is a messy process, I'm in the middle of a huge retooling of the game's inner workings. It just kept growing in a haphazard way, I'm not much of a planner, and now it's gotten out of hand. Gotta tame the creature now.