You're Absolutely Barking Mad

I have a crush on Sharon Osbourne.

Title is a quote, not a comment

Shop Class

wooden stool #2
Originally uploaded by lydiafairy.

I sucked at shop, my drafting designs was erased so much they were unrecognizable and all my projects were misshapen, but there are three things about it I'll never forget. On the first day of class we had to watch a film about Primitive Pete, the guy who uses a screwdriver to hammer nails. One day a friend and I were caught goofing off and had to write, "There is no horesplay allowed in shop." a thousand times so we had a contest to see who could do it in the least amount of space. I filled up both sides of a page, he used less than one side. Mostly, though, I remember what our shop teacher said at the beginning of every class, "Get you a stool, set down and shut up."

The Office

Cubicles
Originally uploaded by lugarplaceplek.

Do you watch the NBC comedy The Office? I think it's funny as hell but it also gives me the willies because it reminds me of so many places I worked, people I worked with and for.

LOL! I just remembered one guy who, on hot days, sat in his cubie with his suit pants rolled up above his knees.

FBI Official Mails

FBI seal
Originally uploaded by Munkholt.

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.
Email: fbi.security@hotmail.com
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET

Hello Dear.

We the Federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant security Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN), regards to your over-due contract payment Which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.

It might interest you to know that we have taken our time in screening through this contract payment notification as stipulated on our protocol of operation, and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and legal with due process of law, and it is as well free from all illegal activities, which you have the lawful right to claim your fund without any further delay. Having said all this, we will further advise, that you should go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank office accordingly as we will be monitoring all their services accordingly with our intelligent monitoring network device, and with your cooperation.

furthermore, we want to place this on your notice that we recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Prof. Chukwuma Soludo and Mr. Emakpo Sam Banks along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case and they made us to understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim. They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous element are using this project as an avenue to scam innocent people off their hard earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the Central Bank office.

We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Joan C. Bailey from OHIO and another person named as Mr. machovina Wachovia who reside in Missouri as well has already contacted them and also presented to them all the necessary documentations evidencing your claims,claiming to have been signed personally by you prior to the release of your contract fund valued at about US$45,000,000.00 (Fourty Five United States Dollars), but the Central Bank office did the wise thing by insisting on hearing from you personally before they go ahead on wiring your fund to the Bank information which was forwarded to them by the above mentioned names, the main reason, we the federal bureau of investigation were contacted by the CBN is to assist them on making some investigation regards to this issue.

They further informed us that we should inform our citizens, who must have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them from the Central Bank of Nigeria, to be very careful prior to these irregularities so that they don't fall victim to scam. We the FBI are instructing you personally, that if you were already dealing with anybody or office claiming to be from the Central Bank of Nigeria, you are further advised to STOP further contact with them in your best interest and then, contact immediately the real office of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) only with the below information accordingly:

NAME: PROF. CHUKWUMA SOLUDO (CBN GOVERNOR)
MR. EMAKPO SAM BANKS (FINANCIAL SECRETARY)

OFFICE ADDRESS: Central Bank of Nigeria
Central Business District,
Cad astral Zone, federal
Capital Territory,
Nigeria.

TEL: +234-802-987-9593

Email: centralban-k.ng@live.com

NOTE: In your best interest, any email or fax that doesn't come from the above official email address or addresses and phone number should not be replied to and should be disregarded accordingly for security reasons. Meanwhile, we will advise you to contact the Central Bank office immediately with the above email address and request that they attend to yo payment file as directed so as to enable you receive your contract fund accordingly. Ensure you follow all their procedure as required by them in order to hasten Up the effective procedures, of transferring your funds to you as designated by you. Also have in mind that the Central Bank of Nigeria equally have their own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking realm, so any delay could be very dangerous.

Once again, we will advise you to contact them with the above email address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary information which might be required from you prior to the release of your fund. All modality has already been worked out even before you were contacted and note, that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you proceed so you don't have anything to worry about. All we require from you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you and the Central Bank of Nigeria. Without wasting much time, will want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out.

Should in case you need any more information in regards to this notification, feel free to get back to us so in order to brief you more,because we are here to guide you and serve you better during and after this contract fund has been completely perfected and you have received your contract fund as stated. Thanks, for your anticipated cooperation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.


Best Regards,

Robert S. Mueller III

Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA
Email: fbi.security@hotmail.com

Bleached Blonde

Albino Peacock - Email

Quality Control

Email

Zzz

A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.' Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada ?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so close on the map.'

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it. I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?'

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'

10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'

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