Jones

Cigarette Graveyard
Originally uploaded by JuanJ.

Been out of cigarettes for a couple days, been jonesin pretty bad. I've taken to digging through butts looking for ones with a little tobacco left.

Dull

Dull Radiance
Originally uploaded by tshirtman37.

My head is full of cotton, it's an effort to think. I stare at my writing and can't generate enough interest to do anything. I'm actually wishing I was at work so the day could pass quickly.

Dark dangerous moods

Dark dangerous moods
Originally uploaded by Pandiyan.

The Era of Depression

The Era of Depression
Originally uploaded by | HD |.

NOS

Originally uploaded by lagiuspo.

I like my new psych, she listens to me and even answers my questions. I asked her what my actual diagnosis was, she took the time to study my chart. Her answer was, "You are Bipolar NOS." Seems that even among bipoplar people I don't fit, I fall into the category, Not Otherwise Specified. Im not Bipolar I and I'm not Bipolar II, I'm a mix of both.

Uninspired

Uninspired
Originally uploaded by jwk.

Lonely Painter

Lonely Painter
Originally uploaded by hkdigit.

Feeling No Pain

feel no pain
Originally uploaded by crisser.

I took a painkiller and antibotic, put on my green sweater and am feeling nicely numb.

Crawling

Orange Faced Devil
Originally uploaded by ASL.

I don't know what's worse, the feeling of a bug crawling on me or a bug actually crawling on me.

Toothache

Toothache :)
Originally uploaded by Koneko.

I have a bad toothache, my jaw is swollen. Have to spend the money set aside for my website to get it looked at. Hopefully I can get something to alleviate the symptoms until money comes in to get it fixed.

Emptiness

Emptiness
Originally uploaded by MartWard.

Anxiety

That Wave
Originally uploaded by Кevin.

The anxiety comes in waves, I feel like I'm about to be pulled under then it passes but it comes again not long after.

Gray

sky stained gray
Originally uploaded by seventytw0dpi.

I'm on the edge of a storm, maybe it'll blow over.

Bland

bland street
Originally uploaded by i'm george.

I feel very beige today. Eh.

Shaving

The Only Way To Shave
Originally uploaded by Leviathor.

Shaving is such a drag, it's the forced wakefulness I hate the most. I get up early, I like to wake up in small stages over an extended period of time, shaving is the end of rest. I only shave when I have to work and that's because it's required. Shaving requires a focus and precision I don't like, I prefer my world to be a bit of a blur. The wakefulness of shaving forces me look at the world under neon lights and that's the biggest drag of all.

Boredom

Boredom
Originally uploaded by m.a.x.

Freedom

FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION !
Originally uploaded by s3ood.

After a month with us Akumu has finally left, we can breathe again.

comfortably numb

comfortably numb
Originally uploaded by andrealeev.

Is there anybody in there?

Too Many Dreams

a dreamy place...
Originally uploaded by dans.photo.

The dreams keep waking me up and I get less and less sleep. I was up every two hours last night as strange, dark dreams woke me.

Same-o

changeless change
Originally uploaded by L. A. Price.

I don't know what I was nervous about, except for some new faces and new orientation material Fast-n-Eat is still the same. I'm feeling content even though I'm working 6 days this week, it seems to be much less draining than Fancy Eatz. The customers are much better, most were pleasant and I got through my first day back with no trouble.

Tense

I'm getting tense. You'd think after working at Fast-n-Eat for five years I'd be pretty confident going in but I'm nervous. No matter that I know the job, no matter that I know some of the people there, it still feels like a new job.

scripture wheel

scripture wheel
Originally uploaded by ahsup.

Scriptures

jesus of the electric
Originally uploaded by striatic.

1 John 4:8
He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.

1 Corinthians 8:3
But if any man love God, the same is known of him.

1 John 5:3
This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome

Matthew 5:21-22, 27-30
Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:

But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

Scripture

Scripture
Originally uploaded by Ana Fierling.

rain

rain
Originally uploaded by The Norwegian.

The rain is making me feel a little down, I hope it rains all day.

mood swings

mood swings
Originally uploaded by desertgirl.

Still a little numb with sleep and meds but it seems the depression has lifted. I feel kind of peaceful right now but I'm smoking too much and that's usually an indication that I'm going to have a hypo day. It won't be too bad if it's mild, that fits in my range of normal, but there's a tightness building in my head that warns me it's going to get pretty uncomfortable. The thoughts get too fast and start pounding on my brain to be released, writing or talking will help but it's never enough.

Flavor of the Day

summer flavors of ice cream
Originally uploaded by adlaw.

We start with a thick base of depression and add a healthy portion of anger. Top it with a hint of confusion for a wonderful treat.

having mixed emotions

having mixed emotions
Originally uploaded by shankargallery.

I'm happy and sad, depressed and hypomanic. Thoughts and feelings come at me intensified at a fast pace. I'm pleased to be leaving Fancy Eatz but depressed at the thought of having to go in one more day. I'm glad to have a job to go to but depressed to think I'm going back to Fast-n-Eat. I just want to go back to bed but I have to leave for work in half an hour. I toy with the thought of not going in, after all, it's my last day. Ahh well...

A Song in My Heart

life is a long song
Originally uploaded by Masao Hata.

The last vestiges of a dream were driven away by a song that woke in my head.

Mama, take this badge off of me
I can't use it anymore.
It's gettin' dark, too dark to see
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

It lurks in the back of my mind and returns with every free moment of thought.

Scream

Back off
Originally uploaded by rustyrabbit.

I felt pretty crappy all day then I had to call a billing department to handle an error they made. Unresponsive stupidity got me so mad I started screaming. I didn't get anywhere with them but I felt a whole lot better after blowing my top.

Sleep

Bangkok, Thailand
Originally uploaded by shadowplay.

A dreamless sleep without interruption. I woke up 8 hours later and feel so heavy with sleep I can't think, I can barely move.

Pills

Pastillitas
Originally uploaded by Cadeva.

I had to get myself organized to stop the mistakes with the pills. At first I got a weekly organizer but then I started on an am/pm dosing and it became useless. Now I line my bottles up from PM to AM and I have to make sure I take the second to the last pill twice a day. I also put two check boxes on each day of the calendar so I can mark off when I took my meds so I wouldn't forget and take an extra dose or none at all. So far it's helping but most of my organization schemes end up gathering dust.

Vivid

blue flower
Originally uploaded by slowitdown.

No nightmares but my dreams were so vivid I woke up three times.

Anxiety

Anxiety 04
Originally uploaded by Merry Wrath.

"What's wrong?"

"Something."

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. Something..."

haven for the restless

haven for the restless
Originally uploaded by panic-embryo.

ride

ride
Originally uploaded by Rev Z.

mixedstate

mixedstate
Originally uploaded by Rev Z.

escape

escape
Originally uploaded by chedder.

Numb

Numb
Originally uploaded by JourneyToNoWhere.

I usually wake up empty of feeling unless a dream has taken me somewhere. I like numb, it's peaceful and most of the time the first feeling to reawake is the desire to write. My mind moves slowly and I like that, too, because generally the first thoughts to appear are words for the book. The meds extend the slowness and that's nice, I can usually handle the awareness of my mood.

Vacant

Vacant
Originally uploaded by Special.

I want to weep for the horror of it all, I long for release.

Blue

Blue
Originally uploaded by Rev Z.

Blue

Blue
Originally uploaded by Rev Z.

Blue

Blue
Originally uploaded by Rev Z.

Blue

Blue
Originally uploaded by Rev Z.

Sis

Memory of Thailand
Originally uploaded by szin.

Sis, if you read this the question just had to come out, feel free to answer in a comment when you get time. Time... it healed many of my wounds but amensia was the greatest healer. The memories return but they are always filled with regret, I see little good of my life. I'm just some customer service guy who always treated, and still treats, the world as a big puppet show. Why do you feel the way you do about me? I can't see it.

Continued

it won't....fit! argh!
Originally uploaded by Kas11~the warrior princess!.

I'm hungry but my stomach is messed up so I can't figure out something to eat that won't make me sick. The hunger makes the headache worse which steps the whole hypomania thing. I'm not really complaining, it's a common occurence, I just kind of got fascinated with the idea of keeping a running journal of one of these episodes.

Ahhh... ice cream.

Sis

longtail on the beach
Originally uploaded by dogsbody.

I miss my sis, i worry about her. This is one of those nights I wish we could talk or I could just listen to her.

I have a question for her, one that always comes back, that always will until she answers it and will after. She says things that make me think like that, one reason for my loneliness for her.

Deluge

Deluge
Originally uploaded by wastrel.

Damn... it was nice while it lasted. Teeth clenched I type to keep from talking, I can't stand to hear my voice going on and on. Blogging helps but it doesn't make the pain in my head go away or the roar of thoughts in my head.

It comes and goes, sometimes I feel a little relaxed, sometimes a little down but the hypomania is predominant, I feel the pressure build until I feel like I'm about to be pulled under.

Nap

this is called hypomania
Originally uploaded by elliejay.

I've been in a mixed state that began mildly, though the depression didn't worsen the hypomania did. I call the state I was in today tweaked, I only slept 3 hours last night, mildly racing thoughts, chatty but feeling sick as hell. My ex likes being around me in that state because she's a talker and I'm generally not. I told her yesterday I would go with her to Best Buy to look at laptop stuff but when I got up my stomach hurt and I had a headache from lack of sleep. It got worse the whole time I was with her and there wasn't a moment of quiet. When I got home I started smoking too many cigarettes and I couldn't work on my book, I almost threw up my pills. Usually at that point I switch over to mild mania with pressured talking, painful thinking and the approach of delusional thinking. I start getting paranoid and lock doors thinking someone is going to violently enter the house. Pretty soon I see flashes of images of someone breaking in and then I eventually hallucinate it happening. until it becomes so scary...

Like that, I got sleepy, I'd taken my pills at 3:30pm, half an hour early, before four-thirty I was alseep. It was so great, three hours of relief, I was drenched in sweat when I awoke but I was so relaxed I changed it, found my green sweater and started on the book. :)

Chat

Macbook madness
Originally uploaded by cdevroe.

I was a young man when the word pc was coined, I used the first piece of word processing software developed and chat rooms held 6 people. When chats only cost a few dollars a year and the memberships were usually less than a hundred you got to know the people pretty well. They usually lived a local call away and you usually figured out the phonies and freaks pretty fast. You usually knew pretty much who was on when and developed a bond with a group without having such a clutter of rooms and people to search through. Members met, were often neighbors, I never heard the horror stories that abound now. Not all chats were safe or well run but good administrators could keep the wierdos out pretty easily and the software was uncomplicated enough to kept tweaked to an optimum. I was an AOL'er when they hit their first million subscribers and I already missed the old chats then.

Quality of Life

Dawn of Peace
Originally uploaded by Tirau Dan.

After I picked up my paycheck this morning I told my boss I was quitting. "That sucks." he said and then asked if I was moving on to something better. I told him it was less pay but I was more concerned about quality of life. "Quality of life," he said, "I've been hearing that a lot lately. I wonder why I fight to stay here."