Unmotivated

I feel so blah today that I'm suffering through an episode of Mr. Ed and I can't get motivated enough to find something else to watch.

Anality

I have a theory that everyone is anal about at least one thing. I'm pretty easy going with a philosophy that in most cases good enough is good enough but I'm very anal about being on time. I leave early to get where I'm going and I usually arrive much earlier than I should. If I'm running late for some reason I'm extremely stressed. It came from living in a family of seven where late was the norm, even now when I walk in late somewhere I feel like all eyes on me as I disrupt whatever's going on.

Vision

Is following a vision always so iffy and scary? Is the thought of not reaching it always devastating? Is it better to be satisfied or is it necessary to strive?

On Wings of Eagles

I rarely read the tons of email that comes in from friends and family. I can only read so many blonde or redneck jokes and I don't have a lot of patience for the smarmy religious sentiment but I got an email today that got me to thinking about the importance of perspective. Here are a few excerpts:

I'm thankful:

FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE

Out of Steam

Running out of steam, the mind wants to keep racing but there's nothing left to run on. Bits and pieces of thoughts will rattle around in my head for a little bit and then, if I'm lucky (not sure about that, feeling hypo tonight), I'll go to sleep.

My Cup Runneth Over

03:51:00 AM - I feel so empty today.

03:37:00 PM - I've felt like crap.

04:00:00 PM - I took my meds... the right ones.

04:30:00 PM - I started writing.

05:30::00 PM - I went to bed a half hour early.

08:47:00 PM - I woke up from a toothache.

09:00:00 PM - I started writing.

12:02:00 AM - Still writing.

Screwed Up

I take certain pills only at night and other pills in the morning at a different dose than the night. Two morning in a row I screwed up and took my night meds in the morning. Didn't seem like too much a problem, I just had to make sure i got to work before I fell asleep and missed my shift. This morning I took my right meds and I've felt like crap. I was making mistakes all day today at work, luckily though my cash came out right.

Inspiration

I stare at my screen and vaguely hope that somehow the bits and pieces of words and ideas running through my head will coalesce into something worth writing. I feel so empty today.

Thorazine Dream

I keep dreaming these extremely vivid dreams that wake me up, I was up four times last night.

The Dumbening

Do you get the feeling the world is getting dumber? It seems that every year people say and do stupider things. If there was ever an argument against evolution the sliding intelligence of the world could be it. Of course, maybe in this age the fittest are also the dumbest. The pace of the world has much to do with it I think. Who has time to study or even read a book? When information is needed it's expected to be delivered right away in the simplest manner possible. Video, magazines and the internet are the resources of the day. I look bleakly at the future when the world is filled with dullards.

Reach

"Where there is no vision, the people perish"

Mixed Blessing

One of the pills I've been taking since the hospital, I don't know which, has aided the return of dreaming. I rarely dreamed for years and now I do almost every night, usually nightmarish. Last night I dreamed I had some kind of cancer that required the removal of three of my fingers. I won't go into the grim details but I was sure glad to wake up at 1:30 am. I complain about the early hours I keep these days but it's often a great relief from some messed up dream.

Mother's Little Helper

Went to see a regular doc Thursday for the headaches and dizziness. Even though the lobby was quiet and pleasant, much better than the babble room I have to sit in at the pysch's, it was a very tryng experience. Ten minute wait in the nice room then I get taken back to sit for over an hour in the cold little exam room. I supposed I could have entertained myself with Green Eggs and Ham but I had the feeling it would only make things worse. The doc came in with a laptop which he setup before he shook my hand, no charts at that office I guess, they're pretty big on advertising their website and they offer wifi internet access. Only thing the doc could figure out for my problem was valium, he said if that didn't take care of it I had to see a neurologist. So far things have been going well, no dizziness, the headaches are quelled quickly and those impossible customers at work don't bother me like they used to.

Inner Ear

Waited all day for a call back from my psych clinic on whether or not my meds were causing the problem with the headaches and dizziness. No on the meds so I went to ER. They were pretty thorough including an EKG, CAT scan and blood work to test for "sugar diabetes and stuff like that". Result was no life-threatening problems, which they were very clear about telling me up front that that's all they check for in ER. Final result was maybe some inner ear problem, a perscription for dizziness med and a list of doctors in the area, they were pretty strong about me going to see one. Good thing is, I don't work until Saturday, bad thing is, I'll probably have to take more money out of my meager savings to see a doctor. Ah well, beats being sick, I hope.

Vertigo

It's confusing. I've been having problems lately but I'm not sure of the cause. About 6 months ago I fell and hit my head hard enough to make me pass out and forget the event. Since then I've been having trouble with dizziness if I get up or lay down too fast, once I got violently dizzy, almost to unconciousness, trying to work under the sink. A couple weeks ago I started a new med, tegretol, and it seems like I'm dizzy all the time and I get bad headaches. I dread the thought of lots of exams and I also dread the thought of going off one med and looking for another. I'm between a rock and a hard place and have to kiss a snake.

Construction

Been doing some work on my front page, I invite you to take a look.

Odd Duck?

Once someone called me an odd duck.

I believed him, I still do.

Are you an odd duck?

Why?

Sunrise On a Day off

I get up so early these days that by the time the sun rises I'm played out. I've done all the writing I can do for the day and fooled around with some of my other projects. I don't have a lot of endurance, I seem to be able to work creatively for only a certain amount of time. I sit through the rest of the day primarily bored, restlessly searching for relief. I gripe about work but at least there I get paid for my boredom.

Bad Moon

I woke with the moon this morning, I keep waking earlier and earlier. I'm still getting a decent amount of sleep, I'm going to bed earlier and earlier, too. Eventually I'll become one of the night people. They keep giving me all these meds to take, I'm on three now, but they don't seem to help much. I'm on the edge of mania or depression all the time and that gets worse too, woke up before 3 yesterday and the first thing I did was put on some depressing music.

Counter

God I don't want to be behind that counter today, yesterday was bad enough and today feels like it's going to be worse. I was off Monday and Tuesday, Monday I called one of the bosses and asked when I worked next, he said Wednesday 7 to 3. Wednesday, yesterday, I was sitting around at 5:30am drinking coffee, smoking, getting peaceful for the day when the phone rings. The same boss asks, "Did you know you open today?" That's at 5am... I told him he told me the wrong time and rushed to get there. It was almost 6 when I arrived and nothing was done, I rushed around getting things ready while customers started coming in. I had to run around finding things that hadn't been put out yet to serve the customers. I was so discumbobulated by the time the store was ready that I kept making mistakes all day, like forgetting to give drink cups and parts of the order.

I say today is going to be worse because I woke up at 2:30am and one of the first things I did was put on depressing music...