Gray

Zach finds there are things worse than heaven and hell.

After Mist Dance died I didn't feel like doin much of nothin so I just wandered around. When the money ran out I tried bummin it for a while but people didn't give a helping hand like they used to. Didn't want to do any fightin, no stealin, nothing that took any effort so I figgered it was time for the preacher.

I set up a tent revival in some backwoods town and put on a hell of a show. Miracles, healings, demon castings, I did it all. Word spread and people came from all over to get some of that old-time religion. I was puttin on a show every night of the week and three times on Sundays. That kind of preachin always gave me a powerful thirst and I started hitting the bottle pretty hard.

One Sunday night I started drinkin and just didn't stop. By the time I got on stage I was stumbling drunk. Things got real quiet, everyone was staring at me then the room started to spin. I reeled to the edge of the stage and threw up on somebody's suit. They ran me out of that town real fast.

I just kept drinkin after that and when winter came I got this cough that wouldn't go away. One night I was layin in some alley, drunk out of my mind, coughing my lungs out and when I went to sleep I woke up in this gray place.

There were all these people standing around doing nothing. It was like they were all looking at something but there was nothing to see but gray. I went over to this lady next to me and tipped my hat, "Howdy Mam, I'm new here. What's everyone doing?" It was like she didn't even hear me so I tapped her on the shoulder. She jumped a little and looked at me all annoyed. I asked her again and she got kinda dreamy-eyed, "I'm looking at home." Well, I didn't see anything so I said, "I don't see nothin." She was pretty abrupt with her answer, "Think of what you want to see and you'll see it." and she turned away.

It was great. Just like being there I could see anywhere or anyone I wanted to see. After fooling around a bit I watched my son.

What began as joy ended in misery. I was so happy to see my son. I couldn't hear nothin but that didn't matter, there he was right before my eyes. He looked to be a fine young man. I followed him on hunts and watched him speak up in council meetings. The one day I saw him with a beautiful young woman. I could tell by the way they looked at each other that it was serious. Later he came before the chief, I was surprised to see that the old dude was still alive. The chief gestured and someone brought Warrior Eye's girlfriend out of the chief's hut. The chief's daughter... I figgered my son was asking the chief to let them get hitched. It also meant he was asking to be the next chief.

The Day of Proving came and it looked like my son had a challenger, a big dude with a nasty look to him. I remembered him, a bully they called Barking Dog because he was always yellin about somethin. He tried something with my son once and even though Warrior's Eye lost, Barking Dog took a pretty good beatin, too. He never messed with my son after that. Well, he was barking now, probably bragging and making threats. The chief raised his hand and Barking Dog shut up. The chief said something for a while and then the challengers squared off.

The whole day was a series of contests, physical and mental. Warrior's Eye had the mental edge, Barking Dog the physical and when it came to the final contest they were even. They were tied together, each given a knife and sent into the jungle. Only one could return. As soon as they were alone Barking Dog tried to knife my son. Warrior's Eye was ready for it and as he dodged the blow he cut the rope and high-tailed it deeper into the jungle. Barking Dog tried to follow Warrior's Eye but he was too slow and soon he gave it up. I went back to my son and saw he'd doubled around and was now watching Barking Dog.

Barking Dog was no hunter and he wasn't worth a hill of beans in the jungle. It was clear he was lost and when it looked like he'd figured that out Barking Dog set up camp. He grubbed some roots and roasted them over a fire then he went to sleep. He never woke up again. Warrior's Eye made sure of that.

Warrior's Eye got the girl and was made chief when the old one died and they lived a happy life. After a time I began noticing this one woman watching my son. She always seemed to show up where he was and did everything she could to get him alone. One day she did. Warrior's Eye was coming back from a hunt, still quite a ways in the jungle, when the flirty girl just happened to come across his path. They talked a bit and then she grabbed ahold of him and started getting all seductive. I saw the look in my son's eye that said it was working. He had a wife, it wasn't right to do her that way and I shouted, "Stop you damn fool!" but of course he couldn't hear. I had to stand there and do nothing while my son did something that was going to cause a lot of hurt.

It was hard to see my son's woman crying, hurt by his stupidity. It was a rough go, it was sad to watch, frustrating to not be able to help, but they got through it and before I knew it they were going to have a baby. It was a happy thought to think I was going to be a grandpa but the happiness faded when I thought that the baby would never know its grandpa. The day came, something went wrong and my son's wife died. The baby lived, a boy, but my son didn't even give him a look, just walked out of the hut and into the jungle.

Warrior's Eye never came back and I didn't watch where he went, I figgered even if I couldn't do anything that little boy needed someone to watch over him. I watched over his sad little life, no one accepted him, they treated him poorly and he didn't have his dad around to encourage him and teach him the ways of things. That little boy needed me.

This place was worse than heaven, worse than hell. In those places I had to dream about the lousy things I did, but in this place I had to watch lousy things done to my grandson and not be able to do a damn thing about it. I started looking for a way out.

I started looking around, seeing if I could find something different in all the grayness. There was nothing, just people standing and watching. Then I tried asking people if they knew who was in charge or the way out. No one answered, most didn't even give me a look. After that I just started walking, didn't know where or what direction but I wasn't going to stop until I found someone in charge or something changed.

I walked a long time and then something changed, I saw a flash of color. I got real alert but I didn't see anything else and after awhile I figgered my mind was playin tricks on me. Then I saw it again and this time I didn't lose sight of it. It moved fast and I had a hard time keeping it in sight but after a time I guess it was tiring because it started to slow down. I wasn't even winded and it didn't take me long to catch up. It tried to get away but it was nothin for me to grab it. When I got a good look at it, it turned out to be a little feller. I squeezed a little then gave him this menacing look and kinda growled, "How do I get out of here?" I could see in his eyes there was a way out but he said, "You are here, there is no way to leave." I squeezed a little tighter but he just shrugged like it didn't bother him none. Then I noticed something about his nose that gave me an idea.

I loosened my grip on him a bit and said, "I suppose you get a lot of people wantin to go back." "Not really," he said, "you're pretty rare. Why do you want to leave?" That was the question I was lookin for, I was pretty glad it came out right off so I didn't have to waste a lot of time jawin with this dude. "Well, Pard," I said, "there's something about life I miss that watchin just don't satisfy." "Ahhh," he nodded, "women." I smiled then said, "Not as much as you'd think, what I really miss is a good drink. Somethin about a long one that watchin and not drinkin makes me want it mighty bad." And now came the payoff. He looked around then said, "I think I can help you with that."

I followed him to this little house and I sat down outside while he went in. He came out with this tiny bottle in his hand and he filled two glasses I could barely see. We drank up and I tell you I felt it, I could only imagine what it was doin to him. He poured a couple more drinks and I started tellin him stories until the bottle was empty. He went back inside and got another bottle, we kept it up until he finally came out of the house empty-handed. He looked pretty miserable when he said, "That's it. No more for a month." I gave him a sympathetic look, "A whole month without a drink, that's pretty bad Pard." I scratched my head for a bit then I perked up, "I got an idea..." I trailed off then I said, "Nah, you wouldn't go for it. Kinda risky." He got the look of defiance I was hopin for and asked, "Go for what?" I rubbed my chin a bit then explained, "You send me back and I go get this gallon of hundred year old scotch I've been savin up." He looked scared so I said, "Told you it was risky, figgered you weren't up to it." The defiance came back and he said, "Can't send you back to your own body but I know a way to switch you with someone who just arrives." He got this arrogant look on his face, "It's kinda risky." I looked a bit scared and asked, "Risky how?" He smiled, probably glad that he had the upper hand now, "The newly arrived are newly dead. No telling what you've got to deal with when you get inside the body." I could appreciate what he was saying but my grandson needed me, "A bottle of scotch bigger than your house... I'd go anywhere for a drink and that's some mighty fine scotch." That clinched it with him. As I lay in that hospital bed fighting for life I wondered what he told his boss when he sobered up.

Excerpt from The Godz of Earth by S.E.Estes